I hope that this blog post doesn’t apply to you.
Recently I’ve met a few people that are divorced, or going through the divorce process, and are enduring a nightmare as they attempt to part ways. Sadly the nightmare tends to be the scorned ex-wife. (Being a female and having the title of wife before, it gives me no pleasure to point that out btw) Now … not to say that the husbands can’t cause a great deal of pain, but from my experience it is the ex-wife that wants to “make him suffer” – be it financially … or because of his desire to move on with someone else (how dare he!) … or regarding the (what should be simple) logistics with the kids. And this, I just don’t get.
Over 20 years ago — right after I started to be a grown up in this world — I had a friend that experienced the same thing. Yep it was a guy friend and yep it was again the ex-wife that was trying her best to make his life miserable. I didn’t get it then, when I was single and ripe out of school, and I don’t get it today when I myself have two divorces almost to my name.
So this is my little plea on behalf of every divorcee that is going through hell in the process (men and women alike because I know there are men that can cause just as much suffering) … Please people … remember WHY you first fell in love with your spouse. Remember that greed never compensates for goodness. No amount of money will change the past, nor will it make you forget the reasons why the marriage experienced an epic fail. Remember your kids – that you made together — and want nothing but the brightest future for (free from the kind of misery you’re inflicting on your ex-partner right now).
Life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you respond to it. —Lou Holtz
Instead — try to find the fairness in your heart that will bring you peace at night when you fall asleep. That will make your kids proud. That will allow your parents, siblings and friends to tell a short story about the separation … not a long one that brings the listener down and makes them feel distain for the ‘terrible ex’. Try to think about the mark you want to leave on this world – the one that makes it a better place, not casts you as the villain in your great autobiography.
For those divorcees out there that truly got the short end of the marriage stick … that experienced massive suffering at the doing of their former husband or wife … that did absolutely nothing wrong but are forced to walk away from the life they knew and loved and begin it all over again — I am genuinely sorry for everything bad that happened. I don’t wish unhappiness on anyone. But how we respond to what’s happened to us, is what really defines us. It isn’t having our ex pay all of the bills + attorney fees + alimony + child support (when custody is 50/50) + the insane demand of a portion of their future earnings, stock or 401K plan! It just isn’t.
Decide to be the bigger person. … Agree to the “right” decision from a standpoint that isn’t your own. Be fair. And above all – get the damn divorce and move on yourself. Regardless the circumstance, you have a new life ahead of you – begin that journey with a vengeance!!