Sometimes I write about things not because I have the answers, but because I seek them.

I consider myself a fairly smart person … I seem to make my way in life okay but I won’t ever win Monday’s trivia night (unless it’s about Canada, country music or the 1984 Oilers, and even then I will get a few things wrong) … But when it comes to some of life’s most basic decisions … I sometimes am such a dork and I fail miserably. I can very easily tell you what is in front of me, and why it/he will not work for me, but yet I’ll go against every grain of intelligence on the subject and go in the other direction. It’s a mildly entertaining thing on one hand, and frustrating as hell on the other hand.

I ask myself everyday .. is it time to let go? Time to move on? Am I ready to move in another direction entirely? Am I capable? Or am I still here with the thoughts and the hopes because I haven’t learned the lesson? Is there some other reason why I’m not moving forward .. moving on.  And why is it so hard to figure out {again, I go back to the fact that I’m probably smarter than the average bear but that doesn’t seem to help me much}.

I try all kinds of tricks … I write in journals … someone says “write him a letter and then burn it” … ha, yeah well that didn’t work out so well! Funny story actually but that’s for another blog.  Then someone else advises to focus on your work – “you’re always saying that work is overwhelming so focus there”. Nope … I have mountains of work to do and I do focus on it, but funny how thoughts of him come into every moment regardless how busy I am. And then there is the “just forget about him and move on”.  I mean, I get it … I probably give similar advice in a variety of circumstances but the actual doing part .. well, that is what is impossible at times.

So I’ve decided that I’m not going to let go. I’m going to just be with the feelings … and let them envelope my entire body.  Whether that gives me comfort or brings me pain, I’ll appreciate that at least I’m experiencing an expression of love. Not everyone gets to experience heartache and for those of us that do, maybe it should be embraced. I stole the famous line before “we are here to be swallowed up” … so why should I fight it.

I trust the universe will tell me when I’m ready to move on. And with that I mean that I trust myself to figure it out … maybe it will be tomorrow .. maybe another month from now … maybe longer.  But I receive comfort knowing that one day, I’ll experience love and friendship and laughter and understanding from someone who won’t break my heart and instead want to hold my hand.

#TakeYourTime … for a love like that – full of excitement and challenge, because even though I feel a great opportunity has eluded me, I do believe that it will come again, and it’s worth waiting for.