It’s really simple.
Fight For It
30 Tuesday Sep 2014
Posted in Life's Lessons, Love
Category Archives: Love
Whatever is Good for the Soul. Do That.
10 Wednesday Sep 2014
Posted in Inspiration, Life's Lessons, Love
Tags
choices, coffee, complicated, contentment, friendship, happiness, heart, husband, intentions, journey, living your best life, mind, mirror, path, simple, soul, strength, voice
This blog post is dedicated to a friend who asked me for advice on goal setting and living with intentions. We recently met up for coffee after a long while without much contact. You know how true friendships go – the authentic ones never go away, even when you live in different countries and sometimes struggle to find yourself. So we picked up almost exactly where we left off – minus a husband or two and a decade of change.
This friend has always been an inspiration to me. She’s charismatic. VERY outgoing. Has an amazing laugh – so amazing! Lights up a room when she walks in. A really down to earth mom. And a damn cool chic. I’ve always been in awe of her. And we’ve always been on the same wave length when it comes to living our best life. But … we’ve both been human so sometimes we find it tough to know which is the right path to take when faced with walking away.
Given that we’re a lot older than we were way back then, I believe it’s even more critical to listen to our intuition (yes, we all have one) and remind ourselves what we want. Not what someone else wants. Not what “should” be best. Not what will save someone else pain, or bring someone else joy. Nope. At this juncture – we need to think deeply about how we show up in life and who gets to join us for the journey.
Life is not a dress rehearsal.
It’s not easy to set goals for ourselves when others around us (those who love us and whom we might even love back) want something different from what we know to be true. We question our own desires. We fail to recognize our own strengths. We worry we might be wrong – – – and they might be right. But in all honesty, that’s impossible.
If we wake up every day and listen to what our body, mind and soul tells us, then we’ll be on the right path (for us, mind you … not for anyone else, but isn’t that the point?). But we have to listen. And we have to be strong. And we have to take the time needed to really feel what brings us joy – – – and what feels like too great of a compromise. Rushing to get on with the day only forces us to listen to outside reasoning, instead of the inside voice of contentment. Overthinking is incredibly dangerous. Life is not that complicated. We complicate it by overthinking what we already know but are too scared to listen to. Staying in something for the sake of someone else’s happiness only leads to sadness.
Setting goals can be intricate and detailed and take up lots of time to write, describe and consider how you will accomplish them. But … they can also be simple. You can literally just wake up and listen to you own voice. And if you listen to that voice for a moment, or a day, and then a week and a month .. it gets easier. Much easier.
Because when it comes time for coffee, and you’re faced with everything the other person wants you to be, you best be sure that you are the expert and know without a shadow of a doubt what will bring you joy. Thinking anyone else knows better than you – well, that just leads to a decade later and a rehearsal that you wished you missed.
—-
Wishing you nothing but the strength that I know you have at coffee tomorrow. Your words were so consistent and your voice so strong the other day. Listen to your own voice and make the decision right for you.
Whatever directtion you take though, know this … I will always be there as your friend and mirror. Months, decades, countries and changes in our paths will make no difference on how I hold you as a friend and how much I will support you in whatever you need.
The Footsteps of Superwoman
09 Saturday Aug 2014
Posted in Family, Life's Lessons, Love
Tags
blog, desperation, divorce, exploring, friends, happiness, inspiration, joy, marriage, mom, parent, running, step-daughter, step-mom, step-parent, struggles, superwoman, writing
When I came up with the title of this blog it was because at the time, I was playing the role of step-mom to a beautiful 10 year old girl, and it was the first time in my life that I got to experience being a parent. I quickly discovered a huge appreciation for every parent on the planet and especially those that were doing it alone. I was amazed how important it became for me to drop my work and ensure this girl learned her multiplication, completed her homework, adapted to the nuances of living here, and at the same time, met some new friends and started to experience all the beauty that surrounded us. While it wasn’t easy, because I’m pretty good at being a workaholic, there wasn’t ever any contest — without asking, the girl and her needs always won over (and happily so).
I kept the name of the blog even though by the time I starting writing, my circumstances had changed and (sadly for some reasons, and happily for others) I was faced with simply taking care of me again. With a little time I have learned that there is also something heroic about waking up and trying to figure out what I want. Did you know that it’s actually easier to wake up when you know the routine so perfectly, when you don’t have time to think? Simply wake the girl, prepare the lunch, make sure the girl gets up, do the first email check-in, ensure the homework’s packed, remind the girl we’re late, drive to school, be the friendly parent and say hello to the other busy moms and dads, hurry home, begin the day. With the absence of that purpose, it’s been WAY harder each morning — because now the purpose is me — and it has been a very long while since anyone took care of that girl.
“They say” the leading cause of divorce these days is marriage. Although I don’t know why, I do believe the statistic. 🙂 Something just seems to change when marriage is involved. Kids can play a big role, but even without children, many men and women loose themselves and struggle desperately to find their way back.
And then once we do separate and think, oh thank God I’m free from “that!”, we struggle to know who we are and what we want — and we spend oodles amounts of time and energy pushing away anything that looks remotely close to what we had in our past.
Right now I want to have it all. I want to be all of my many personalities and be all the ways that my heart tells me to be when I’m quiet enough to listen to it. I don’t want a box – certainly not the one that I’ve had before … but I do want some of the pieces that were in the box. Is it possible? Of course it is … but it takes courage and relentless forward motion. Let’s hope I have both.
Because today I saw that little girl that inspired me to name this blog (amongst many other things that I’m sure will be the subject of future writings), and for those few hours, I was reminded what a real superwoman looks like. And that piece exists within me — that I know for sure, and it brings me joy when I think about it and her. And I don’t want it to go away.
Tomorrow I get to be runner girl and wake up at 5:30 am to share a beautiful and challenging trail with some women I’m lucky to call my friends. I’ve desperately missed that, and them, and I always want to have this as my number one choice for a Saturday morning.
And then tomorrow night I’ll be just a girl out on the town with my best friend. I’ll wash the hours of sweat from my face and dirt from my toes and wear high heels or boots (cause it is San Francisco in the summer after all) and no one will know by looking at me the other sides that exist or that I started my day in a pair of trail shoes.
And the best part will be Sunday, when I get to be explorer girl and do something new with someone I am excited to get to know. Even though he’s only ready to see a few sides of me — that’s okay. We are all on our own path and the only thing important is to enjoy the path that we are on in that one moment.
Why can’t we be all of THAT in a marriage?
And if I thought I was on the wrong track, then the text from Alaska out of the blue as I started to write this blog, reminded me that I am not.
“and btw: your inner superwoman is right in front of you — there are a few occasions where she’s following YOUR footsteps”.
Wow. How can I not celebrate all of those pieces that make up the reason why I started this blog in the first place.
Helping with the school book report … Priceless.
If You Ever Fall in Love …
09 Monday Jun 2014
Posted in Love
Pity Party Anyone?
08 Sunday Jun 2014
Posted in Life's Lessons, Love
con-fi-dence – noun
a) feeling or consciousness of one’s powers or of reliance on one’s circumstances
b) faith or belief that one will act in a right, proper, or effective way
It’s amazing how much a single act by someone else can literally make us question our-entire-existence. Has this ever happened to you, or am I the only one? How something that someone does, says or acts dramatically affects the belief we have in ourselves and makes us lose faith in people doing the right thing (and let’s be honest – sometimes in general human kindness!).
Why is it that a small act from someone else can bring us crashing down even if we are at the highest of highs? And the reverse is true when someone pleasantly surprises us – our spirits can be lifted and we feel that we can accomplish anything. But how can we learn to not let outside behaviors bring us so far down, or for that matter, give us the false sense of being too high?
don’t worry, I’ll get to the pity party part shortly … keep reading …
“Experts” say that we can “take control of our lives” and live beyond the naysayers or the negative feelings by doing things like “know your principles and live by them” or “set a small goal and achieve it”. And there is no denying that these types of things will help us believe in ourselves. But what if we actually DO believe in ourselves … and do all the things the “experts” say. What then?
Well, sometimes we have to remember that a hurtful act is just simply that …. sometimes done so you feel pain and sometimes done to make the other person feel better without any intention of making you feel bad. In most cases people are reacting to pain that they themselves feel.
But one thing that I find is often missing in these scenarios is understanding the other person, and understanding their pain (even if you disagree with it or wish it wasn’t the case). Communication, along with listening skills and patience, can go a long way to make the situation better for everyone. Now, sometimes those first conversations may not go the way you want or hope – but with a little time and understanding from both sides – you can get to a good (or if nothing else) neutral place.
That’s why we now have “mediators” for couples divorcing … often if two people can calm their emotions down and talk through things, both sides can walk away without the permanent scars (not to mention looking and acting poorly).
I can’t say that I’m perfect on this subject – there are times when I myself am pretty relentless on a topic – but I can say with con-fi-dence that when I am being relentless, I always regret it and wish that a conversation could be had again as a “do-over”. I mean come on – they give mulligans in golf – I think they should be applied to life in general as well, right?
So – if someone hurts you deeply (regardless if it is a surprise or expected), try to reach out and talk with them about it. And if you end up hurting someone else and regret it, be the bigger person and do the right thing – say you’re sorry if you need to, but open up about why you were hurt in the beginning.
All of this isn’t to say that feeling rejection doesn’t suck-out-loud! …. so it’s important to let the hurt feel like hurt … throw yourself a pity party and do what you need to do to honor the cord struck and any mistakes you made as part of the story. But then, get over it. Don’t let it affect you at the core and take away your confidence that exists. Separate the two and move on.
And for a good Pity Party, some recommended items to bring include: a bottle of wine or whiskey, or honestly whatever is available within reach (let’s be honest it shouldn’t be the bottle you’re saving for a celebration), your favorite music (an award show is really the best in my opinion because there is a set beginning and end time period) — upbeat or melancholy is really the party thrower’s preference, an evening without roommates or family members (best to not have witnesses), your favorite salty or sweet snack — add those all together and give yourself a few hours max before you turn off the disco ball and call it a night. These are one-time parties – try to get in the habit of only one pity party per life disappointment – go instead and find the many other reasons to throw yourself a celebration!
Editor’s Note:
… for the person that I hurt (if that is indeed what happened to make you react as you did) …
Finding Superman
16 Friday May 2014
Posted in Inspiration, Life's Lessons, Love
Tags
charming, fairytales, faith, faith hill, happiness, love, nashville, real housewives, scandal, selfless, superman, superwoman, the bachelor
As I am searching for my inner Superwoman I have to admit – I am also on the lookout for what every superhero desires … an equally talented Superman. And just like my inner Superwoman is still evolving, I believe the Superman that I am looking for is becoming clearer with every experience that I have (be it good or bad).
For years I ignored the voice inside that guides us – the one that makes you question your decisions and challenges your direction. The one that tells you “it’s time to move on” when you clearly know that you’re heading down a wrong path but continue anyway because it’s easy — or it’s expected — or because you can’t seem to see any other possible path and that scares you stiff, so you just stay still. So I understand why I’m struggling to know exactly what my Superman looks like when I’m still (re)defining me.
There is a huge (I’ll be honest) part of me that just wants to read the last chapter in the book. Did I find him?? Was it amazing?? How full was the life I led and what legacy did I leave?? But I remind myself that it really isn’t about the end – it’s ALL about the journey. So I try to calm myself down and be present in the moment. Regardless if that moment brings me happiness or I’m struggling to just simply breathe, it has to be about the process. The feelings along the way. The heartache. The dynamic ups. The “feels like bottom” lows. The long path around instead of the straight path through. Right?
I remember that it’s not about knowing the ending … it’s about creating the middle. The part where we are living today. The sometimes exciting, but probably all too often ‘not so much’ mundane, life we live and the story we weave. Because let’s face it – life isn’t like The Bachelor or the Real Housewives or even Scandal or Nashville (which is sometimes really too bad because I would so love a day in the life of Olivia Pope or Juliette Barnes!). We’re just regular Joe’s (and Janes) trying to make our way in this world.
The smart person that lives inside my head (because I really swear there is one), tells me that “this” … what I have right now … it’s the good stuff. Faith Hill released a song many years ago (has it been decades? – ugh, I’m old) titled “The Secret of Life”. It talked about enjoying the little things … a good cup of coffee … getting up early … going to bed late … Monday Night Football (or for us Canadians we all agree it should be Hockey Night in Canada) … a beautiful woman … nothin’ at all. In all seriousness, she’s onto something there!
These are the things that we should really be focusing on … not the last chapter of the book. And if we’re lucky, somewhere along the way, we’ll find that one person – the Superman to your Superwoman – that feels the same way. That connects with you at a level that you thought was impossible. Who gets your jokes. Gets you. Brings out the best in you. Supports you at your worst. Makes you rethink everything because life is about evolution. It’s about progress. Moving forward. Not back. And we would live a long and wide life if we had friends and lovers that helped us expand our mind and forever change the discussions we’re having and the progress we’re making.
That’s what I want. That is all I want. Maybe it’s too big. Maybe it’s too ambiguous. Maybe it’s just perfect. I say, who cares. The single.best.thing.we.can.do.for.our.happiness is to be selfish … say what we want … ask for what we need … redefine daily what makes us happy. And then, be totally, 100%, irrefutably OK if it all changes tomorrow.
Although I know it’s impossible to ask for this, I wish every one of us finds our Superman. Finds our hero. If we’re lucky, we’ll find him again and again because we’ve been honest with ourselves, and the Universe, and we’ve been open to finding him in the most unassuming of places.
So – to my Superman – my Charming – if you’re out there. I’m waiting.
“The House That Built Me”
10 Thursday Apr 2014
Posted in Family, Life's Lessons, Love
Tags
disappointment, family, farm, friends, growing up, inspiration, life lessons, love, Lyrics, Miranda Lambert, priceless, ski-dooing, snowmobiling, The House That Built Me
The other day I had the opportunity to introduce “The House That Built Me” by Miranda Lambert to two special people. This song has to be one of my top three songs ever. Actually, if I think about it, it is more like my favorite song of all time because of the deep connection I feel with it.
It’s not often that I introduce it to someone and they “get it”. Sadly, when I’ve been so excited about sharing this small insight into who I am with friends, loved ones or strangers, they have mostly displayed little enthusiasm or connection. And it can be SO discouraging – when you care about someone and you really want them to “get you” — and they respond with something like “it’s nice … so what’s for dinner?”.
So what’s the song about that I love it and make desperate attempts to have those in my life understand it (and me)?
Well, it has a very literal and figurative meaning for me. I like to think it was written from a real life experience and the writers were compelled to put pen to paper because of the difficult moment they were going through. If they didn’t – well they at least described my life pretty well. Since we all interpret words and experiences differently, I guess that’s the reason why it’s hard to find someone who understands it in the same way as I do. But the other night was surprisingly different. Finally, I shared it with someone who understood the piece inside of me that I really wanted them to “get”.
I grew up in a very small town that was extremely remote and hundreds of miles away from what most people my age had surrounding them. I was raised on a farm in Northern Alberta and “The House That Built Me” was literally the house that my father built and we lived in growing up on the farm. But the story isn’t as much about the physical house — it is more so about all that surrounded the house that played an instrumental role in who I have become as a person. Turns out this small remote farming town, with a Latitude of 58°N and a Longitude of 117°W, and a population of around 1,200 at the time, and winter temperatures often in the -30 to -40° Celsius, well it turns out … it had to lot to offer.
Looking back – I’m extremely grateful for my childhood – and especially the experience that the farm provided me. (I’d be remiss if I gave all of the credit to the farm and not to my wonderful parents — who always provided a loving, safe and thankfully, a very humble upbringing). But I have some great and unique memories from my childhood — watching calves being born and life created in an instant, Easter Egg hunts amongst the bales at the cow yard, going ski-dooing until our face was so frozen that you had to give in and go into the house to warm up, learning how to drive by the age of 11 and being able to take dinner to my dad {by.myself.I’ll.add} while he was harvesting late into the evening, and oh all of the fun times keeping myself entertained with a simple mud puddle. These life experiences, turned values, were (as I now know), priceless.
BUT it was not without some challenges. And the day I moved away … I was so happy and I vowed silently to my 15 year old self that I would never – ever – EVER – return to the town. You remember how traumatic life can be as a teenager, right?
Over the years I have, of course, matured and in addition to moving far away, I have been fortunate to have opportunities that have expanded my mind and way of thinking. And it has made me more appreciative for all of the challenges and disappointments along the way. I look back and it’s certainly not the past that I would have wanted to write about … but alas, it is the one that is being written.
So ever since I heard “The House that Built Me”, it’s been the comfort that I’ve needed to get past the brokenness … the failed marriages … the feelings of being alone (even when self-imposed) … the separation that comes from leaving family and having friends walk away …. and the severe disappointment knowing that all that I might have wanted in my life, might never come to fruition.
The lyrics read “You leave home and you move on and you do the best you can … I got lost in this old world and forgot who I am” has been so true for me. In general we let too many people, things and situations re-define us and shift our way of thinking that we forget about how strong we are … and how sometimes, what or where we are in life, is a result of doing our best and being determined to not give up – regardless how disruptive the path has been. And sometimes, we need to embrace the wonderful things that are right in front of us, without questioning or worrying so much about timing or right versus wrong, or what others might say.
I went back to this town a few years back. I did it with my Dad and got to hear story after story about life on the farm and his recollection of life back then … and that experience in-and-of-itself, was beyond amazing. Much had, of course, changed in 25 years but some things really didn’t. And there were friends and families there that I used to go to school with – ride the bus with – build ice sculptures with – and spend my time with from the age of zero until 15. And that was pretty cool.
We don’t get to write our story before it happens. Sometimes life is quite frankly unfair. People disappoint us and delight us at the most inopportune times. And we survive. We forgive. Or we move on and forget. Hopefully — when you remember back to the house that built you — and you look to the house that you live in today — you see some resemblance and can find appreciation and strength in the person you’ve become and the small mark you’ll leave on this world.
Oh, and for those two special people that heard the song and appreciated the lyrics … thank you – for seeing beyond the words, and into the house.
The house where I grew up. August 2012.
The House That Built Me Lyrics
I know they say, you can’t go home again . Well, I just had to come back one last time . And Ma’am, I know, you don’t know me from Adam . But these hand prints on the front steps are mine.
Up those stairs, in that little back bedroom, is where I did my homework and I learned to play guitar. And I bet you didn’t know under that live oak , my favorite dog is buried in the yard.
I thought if I could touch this place or feel it , this brokenness inside me might start healing. Out here it’s like I’m someone else I thought that maybe I could find myself.
If I could just come in, I swear I’ll leave . Won’t take nothing but a memory. From the house that built me.
Mama cut out pictures of houses for years. From “Better Homes and Garden” magazine. Plans were drawn and concrete poured and nail by nail and board by board , Daddy gave life to mama’s dream.
I thought if I could touch this place or feel it, this brokenness inside me might start healing . Out here it’s like I’m someone else I thought that maybe I could find myself.
If I could just come in, I swear I’ll leave . Won’t take nothing but a memory From the house that built me.
You leave home, you move on and you do the best you can. I got lost in this whole world aAnd forgot who I am
I thought if I could touch this place or feel it , this brokenness inside me might start healing . Out here it’s like I’m someone else I thought that maybe I could find myself. If I could walk around, I swear I’ll leave.
Holding nothing but a memory , from the house that built me.
Watch The House That Built Me Video
Life (unedited)
19 Wednesday Mar 2014
Posted in Inspiration, Love
Over the years I’ve made a few (okay, probably truth be told, a lot) of mistakes and I’ve always wondered – do other people make as many mistakes? … as disappointing of mistakes? … do the mistakes keep them up at night and feeling bad? … and who really says “it’s okay – live and learn and move on” and mean it?
Well I think the honest answer is that everyone makes mistakes, right? But the way we process and manage through those mistakes is very different for everyone. And just like with other things in life, some of us are better at accepting mistakes than others. Wasn’t it Oprah that finally felt truly beautiful at 50 and comfortable in her own skin? I’m paraphrasing here but I remember watching her around that time and thinking, My God, do I have to wait that long!!
Although I’m still a few years away from that milestone, it will come quickly I’m sure. So I figure best to learn from those before me that life, while wonderful, is no where near the perfect picture that somehow got etched in our minds. Therefore I’m going to make a pledge to let my life, for the remainder that I have (and God willing it’s awhile), shall be enjoyed to the fullest … and left unedited … Which means I may make mistakes from time to time. Actually, I WILL make mistakes … and time to time might be a little underrepresented but we’ll go with “from time to time” for the sake of argument. Who knows … what I view as a colossal failure may very well be like a rainbow on a rainy day for others, so why fuss with all the worrying?
Of course, I’ll still be mindful of life’s challenges and do my best to make my parents proud, but I think we spend too much time on the past and not enough on the present. And it’s fine time that I put these words into action … SO … I hereby pledge to live all of the moments of my life ahead … fully unedited … for the length, and the width of it.
Love Yourself (more)
14 Friday Feb 2014
Posted in Health & Exercise, Inspiration, Love
Tags
bubble baths, chocolate, Diane Ackerman, february 14, football, friends, House of Cards, love, love yourself, massage, relax, self love, smartphone, valentine, valentine's day, watch my kids play, wine
Today is Valentine’s Day so it’s easy for us to remember our loved ones and to think about things that make us feel good – chocolate and massages and sweet notes to our Valentines, maybe a glass of wine with our friends. But what if we took what today is all about and applied it to our lives on a regular basis?
I once heard someone say that we take our car into the mechanic when the light reminds us to change the oil, or when our tires are flat, yet we ignore almost every warning sign that our body gives us when we need to relax or take better care of ourselves. Why is that? Are we so out of touch with the aches and pains, or the feeling that we get when we do treat ourselves with love, that we don’t recognize the signs even when they are pretty obvious?
Let’s not wait until we get sick or feel miserable to treat ourselves with love! Let’s actually apply February 14th – the day of love – to EVERY month of the year. Does that sound like something you’d like? I know I would!
So moving forward, on the 14th of every month, I will add a reminder to my blog post to treat yourself to some love, or better yet maybe I’ll dedicate the entire post to it! And we can do the journey together for a lifetime full of more love and less warning signs.
It can be whatever you want it to be. A long soak with bubbles and candles …. an uninterrupted game of Football on a Saturday afternoon … permission to sleep in …. or stay up late! …. a longer lunch with a friend … or just sitting and watching your child play with your smartphone far – far away. I have been practicing a little more self love these days and it is really wonderful! Today I had a nice workout … helped a friend with his business … treated myself to a massage … and watched House of Cards while I ate a late lunch (with two pieces of chocolate as my dessert). Life is too short to just live the length of it — I want to live the width of it as well.
So I would like you to consider more self love. Whatever that looks like for you – give it more of a try these days. Or at least, come on, once a month!
