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Being Superwoman

Being Superwoman

Tag Archives: divorce

The Footsteps of Superwoman

09 Saturday Aug 2014

Posted by Joanne Fedeyko in Family, Life's Lessons, Love

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blog, desperation, divorce, exploring, friends, happiness, inspiration, joy, marriage, mom, parent, running, step-daughter, step-mom, step-parent, struggles, superwoman, writing

When I came up with the title of this blog it was because at the time, I was playing the role of step-mom to a beautiful 10 year old girl, and it was the first time in my life that I got to experience being a parent. I quickly discovered a huge appreciation for every parent on the planet and especially those that were doing it alone. I was amazed how important it became for me to drop my work and ensure this girl learned her multiplication, completed her homework, adapted to the nuances of living here, and at the same time, met some new friends and started to experience all the beauty that surrounded us. While it wasn’t easy, because I’m pretty good at being a workaholic, there wasn’t ever any contest — without asking, the girl and her needs always won over (and happily so).

I kept the name of the blog even though by the time I starting writing, my circumstances had changed and (sadly for some reasons, and happily for others) I was faced with simply taking care of me again. With a little time I have learned that there is also something heroic about waking up and trying to figure out what I want. Did you know that it’s actually easier to wake up when you know the routine so perfectly, when you don’t have time to think? Simply wake the girl, prepare the lunch, make sure the girl gets up, do the first email check-in, ensure the homework’s packed, remind the girl we’re late, drive to school, be the friendly parent and say hello to the other busy moms and dads, hurry home, begin the day. With the absence of that purpose, it’s been WAY harder each morning — because now the purpose is me — and it has been a very long while since anyone took care of that girl.

“They say” the leading cause of divorce these days is marriage. Although I don’t know why, I do believe the statistic. 🙂 Something just seems to change when marriage is involved. Kids can play a big role, but even without children, many men and women loose themselves and struggle desperately to find their way back.

And then once we do separate and think, oh thank God I’m free from “that!”, we struggle to know who we are and what we want — and we spend oodles amounts of time and energy pushing away anything that looks remotely close to what we had in our past.

Right now I want to have it all. I want to be all of my many personalities and be all the ways that my heart tells me to be when I’m quiet enough to listen to it. I don’t want a box – certainly not the one that I’ve had before … but I do want some of the pieces that were in the box. Is it possible?  Of course it is … but it takes courage and relentless forward motion. Let’s hope I have both.

Because today I saw that little girl that inspired me to name this blog (amongst many other things that I’m sure will be the subject of future writings), and for those few hours, I was reminded what a real superwoman looks like. And that piece exists within me — that I know for sure, and it brings me joy when I think about it and her.  And I don’t want it to go away.

Tomorrow I get to be runner girl and wake up at 5:30 am to share a beautiful and challenging trail with some women I’m lucky to call my friends. I’ve desperately missed that, and them, and I always want to have this as my number one choice for a Saturday morning.

And then tomorrow night I’ll be just a girl out on the town with my best friend. I’ll wash the hours of sweat from my face and dirt from my toes and wear high heels or boots (cause it is San Francisco in the summer after all) and no one will know by looking at me the other sides that exist or that I started my day in a pair of trail shoes.

And the best part will be Sunday, when I get to be explorer girl and do something new with someone I am excited to get to know. Even though he’s only ready to see a few sides of me — that’s okay. We are all on our own path and the only thing important is to enjoy the path that we are on in that one moment.

Why can’t we be all of THAT in a marriage?

And if I thought I was on the wrong track, then the text from Alaska out of the blue as I started to write this blog, reminded me that I am not.

“and btw: your inner superwoman is right in front of you — there are a few occasions where she’s following YOUR footsteps”.

Wow. How can I not celebrate all of those pieces that make up the reason why I started this blog in the first place.

photo

Helping with the school book report … Priceless.

Why Divorce Sucks

24 Thursday Apr 2014

Posted by Joanne Fedeyko in Family, Life's Lessons

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Tags

alimony, attorney, custody battle, divorce, fair, greed, kids, marriage, money, what is right

I hope that this blog post doesn’t apply to you.

Recently I’ve met a few people that are divorced, or going through the divorce process, and are enduring a nightmare as they attempt to part ways. Sadly the nightmare tends to be the scorned ex-wife. (Being a female and having the title of wife before, it gives me no pleasure to point that out btw)  Now … not to say that the husbands can’t cause a great deal of pain, but from my experience it is the ex-wife that wants to “make him suffer” – be it financially … or because of his desire to move on with someone else (how dare he!) … or regarding the (what should be simple) logistics with the kids. And this, I just don’t get.

Over 20 years ago — right after I started to be a grown up in this world — I had a friend that experienced the same thing. Yep it was a guy friend and yep it was again the ex-wife that was trying her best to make his life miserable. I didn’t get it then, when I was single and ripe out of school, and I don’t get it today when I myself have two divorces almost to my name.

canstockphoto2175678

Photo courtesy of Can Stock Photo

So this is my little plea on behalf of every divorcee that is going through hell in the process (men and women alike because I know there are men that can cause just as much suffering) … Please people … remember WHY you first fell in love with your spouse. Remember that greed never compensates for goodness. No amount of money will change the past, nor will it make you forget the reasons why the marriage experienced an epic fail. Remember your kids – that you made together — and want nothing but the brightest future for (free from the kind of misery you’re inflicting on your ex-partner right now).

Life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you respond to it. —Lou Holtz

Instead — try to find the fairness in your heart that will bring you peace at night when you fall asleep. That will make your kids proud. That will allow your parents, siblings and friends to tell a short story about the separation … not a long one that brings the listener down and makes them feel distain for the ‘terrible ex’. Try to think about the mark you want to leave on this world – the one that makes it a better place, not casts you as the villain in your great autobiography.

For those divorcees out there that truly got the short end of the marriage stick … that experienced massive suffering at the doing of their former husband or wife … that did absolutely nothing wrong but are forced to walk away from the life they knew and loved and begin it all over again — I am genuinely sorry for everything bad that happened. I don’t wish unhappiness on anyone. But how we respond to what’s happened to us, is what really defines us. It isn’t having our ex pay all of the bills + attorney fees + alimony + child support (when custody is 50/50) + the insane demand of a portion of their future earnings, stock or 401K plan! It just isn’t.

Decide to be the bigger person. … Agree to the “right” decision from a standpoint that isn’t your own. Be fair. And above all – get the damn divorce and move on yourself. Regardless the circumstance, you have a new life ahead of you – begin that journey with a vengeance!!

canstockphoto14368205

Photo courtesy of Can Stock Photo

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